Hi everyone. I know from the phone-calls and texts that everyone is keen to know the results of the recent scan. Long story short. They weren’t great. We went in hoping for the best, but prepared for the worse, and I suppose what we ended up with was somewhere in-between. In spite of eight rounds of chemo, the cancer has continued to grow, although thankfully it hasn’t spread. Just taking a few quiet days to adjust to the new reality. Jo and I are going away for the weekend to gather our thoughts and regroup. Guess you could say we are a little down but not out.
It is after all, the natural course such news takes you. You know it is not going to be great but you have this small ray of hope burning somewhere deep inside. You hope the doctor will give you a bright smile. You hope the nurse will hand you the report with her sunny disposition. But, the reality is always different and somehow never fails to pull you down.
The doctor did not look too happy.. perhaps he was glad the cancer has not spread to other areas, where the chemo can be of no help. Perhaps he was putting up a brave face to ensure I don’t crumble on the inside? Well, after 8 sessions of chemo, it is natural to get those hopes up.
Jo and I, though know the cancer is going nowhere, had plans. We had the “if and when” plans. These were the plans that we make up in the pretext “if the results are great”. As per these plans, we would go away on a week long holiday, to celebrate and not just rethink. We would sit up and watch the stars and try to find constellation formations.
We planned to wake up before sunrise and enjoy the beautiful colors and the birds chirping. Then have a cup of nice coffee instead of our usual health conscious Chocolate Slim and talk about our younger days where we would laugh with a snort, when our parents told us, watching sun rise can be a great way to start your day. Little did I know I may not live long enough to enjoy all that like my parents did, at old age.
Jo has been very supportive and understanding. She is the pillar I lean on. I just wish, our “if” plans had worked out and I had the chance to enjoy the sunrise and the stars with her, without having to worry on the inside. She is one who loves to live on the edge and experience everything to the fullest, without a worry in her heart. If the plans don’t pan out, she always has a backup and it turns out to be even more fun.
Instead now we are going away, to think about what we are going to do next and how we are going to cope with this result. Not something we are looking forward to, but let’s get real, we have to address this sometime or the other and we decided to do it right away.
I will try and write at more length over the next day or two. Thanks for your patience and understanding. Linds.