Life’s too short for…

I was thinking about that old, multi-purpose expression “Life’s too short” the other day. You know, life’s too short for drinking bad wine, life’s too short for standing in line, life’s too short for _____________________________(Complete as appropriate.)

When life suddenly turns out to be shorter than you could have reasonably anticipated, this tired old cliche takes on an whole new piquancy. So here, apropos nothing at all, is a short and incomplete list of things that my life is now officially too short for.

I
Watching Cricket

Easily the most bewildering and pointless of all sports. (And it’s a rich and varied category.) How can you play a game for five whole days, and come up with a draw? Are they having a laugh?

II
Complaining about the weather

An ancient and traditional British pastime. I have discontinued this practice for two reasons. One. It clearly doesn’t work. Two. As Lou Reed observed, every day above ground is a good day, rain or shine.

III
Worrying about whether Mitt Romney or Newt Gingritch
wins the Republican nomination

I mean really. Who gives a shit? In 1999 the Grand Old Party spent a whole year carefully sifting and vetting its vast caucus, examining and evaluating the relative merits of a wide field of potential candidates to select the brightest, most learned and erudite, world-wise and all-around attractive individual to contest the presidency of the most powerful nation on earth. They had 92 million Republicans to chose from. They came up with George W. Bush.

IV
Untangling string

V
Long Standing Family Feuds

Come on. I know you are both reading this. Grow up and get over yourselves. Whatever perceived slight of injustice that occurred years ago is not worth dividing an already shrinking family. Sons need mothers, and mothers need sons and grandsons. One of you swallow your damned pride and pick up the phone. One day soon it will be too late, and you will be left to repent at your leisure. Don’t make me come over their and sort it out…

VI
Checking for Testicular Cancer
or worrying about my prostate

I mean come on. How unlucky can you get?

VII
Recycling

Yes I know it’s selfish and irresponsible but I’ve decided to leave saving the planet to those with more disposable free time. Peeling labels off milk cartons, washing out tin cans and sorting plastics is no longer a personal priority. Sorry.

VIII
Soduko

Deriving any illusion of self worth from squandering hours each day flaunting your numerical prowess over these irksome puzzles, only serves to illuminate your insecurity and utter lack of imagination. Why don’t you go and get a life while there is still a chance?

IX
CAPTCHA Tests

These are those infuriating tests you have to endure when filling out registration forms or buying things on the internet. CAPTCHA apparently stands for Completely Automated Public Turing test to tell Computers and Humans Apart.
They usually take the form of having to decipher a random set of characters and numbers such as “egwhile strum23″ which have been distorted and otherwise defaced to render them almost unreadable. I hate these for two reasons. Firstly I deeply resent the fact that I am having my humanity tested and judged by a machine. Secondly. I can’t read the sodding things and it often takes me several hundred attempts to guess the right answer. There is nothing I want from the internet this badly. From now on I refuse to be subjected to this egregious indignity.

X
Did I mention bloody cricket?

 

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  1. Vegas says:

    You make some great points. Especially about string. But not cricket. Love that sport. You need to think of it as a long drinking game for couch potatoes.

  2. Peter Barker says:

    Completely agree re cricket. I still don’t understand the rules.. what other game do you just ‘retire’ ?
    This is a much better alternative methinks. Might also help with those pesky family feuds too..
    http://hitchhikers.wikia.com/wiki/Brockian_Ultra-Cricket

  3. Ian and Celia Smedley says:

    Only the Americans would consider someone for president named after an amphibian or a glove, but yes, they did elect George I suppose

  4. Ian and Celia Smedley says:

    You’re certainly right about cricket – but string is soooo therapeutic!! Just think, unraveling string or fishing line while watching cricket! (women can multi task)

    Love and hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
    Celia
    PS Did you not like my last post (The Will)

  5. Big Jim says:

    Im sure you have already seen this but just a reminder anyway that Penn and Teller have already labeled recycling as “humbug” so you don’t have too worry about you’re conscience on that issue.

  6. David Smedley says:

    I would add reality TV to the list. I have far too much reality as it is….

    David

    • Linds says:

      Personally, I’v always found reality completely overrated. I’m with you on the TV thing though. Although strangely, I suddenly find those ’24 Hours in A&E’ type hospital series strangely compelling viewing…

  7. Tricia Hollingum says:

    Life is too short for….. denying yourself all those naughty little pleasures in life. If it feels good… DO IT!!!
    Say no more. xxxx

    • Linds says:

      There hasn’t been a whole lot of denial going on. At least not where guilty pleasures go. I’ve put on four and a half kilos since Christmas. And it’s not muscle. Lx

  8. Glenn says:

    Can I add Facebook to the list. And talking, or even thinking, about politics.

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